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| Sunday, December 21st, 2008 | | 8:19 am |
....
I believe this is my first post in 6 years, but livejournal appears to be making a comeback, and who knows, I might receive some wisdom as I collect smart opinionated friends to comment on my ponderings. When you give your heart to someone, do you ever get it back once they leave? Lets fly on past the part where everyone who reads this wonders what the hell happened to the real Kurt Anderson, and focus on the matter at hand. Closing in on a year since the beginning of the relationship, and a woman who left me months ago is still in my thoughts. I've been with other women since then, even genuinely interested in one, but this other young woman has never been out of my head/heart. For the first month I chalked it up to the first "real love". I'm sure we all know that kind, or have heard of it. The first time you can actually see a future with another person. See a family, a life, growing old; all the things that before meeting her I never wanted. I don't believe any person or event has ever had as large an impact on my life as she did. She left to bigger and better things, as we both knew she would since her presence in my area was only temporary, but part of her has stayed. The part I can't stop thinking about. Its funny; I don't hope to be with her again, and don't wish her choices had been different. Yet I cannot stop wondering what things could have been like had I been a different person; had I been able to do everything i would have needed to do to stay with her. A lot of it is most likely because I still doubt I did all I could to help her. (Even though it is highly unlikely this entry will ever get back to her, there are a few folks reading this who met her, and I will not go into specifics concerning her problems.) Despite my mind blowing education from West Chester University concerning all things psychological, I just wasn't equipped to help her through everything she was experiencing, and had experienced. The stress of her situation eventually broke me down, and while i managed to get her through, which was, I think, not a small feat, I got so bogged down in her problems that I lost the part of myself that I think made me attractive to her in the first place. So by the end of the relationship the decision to go our separate ways was a simple one for her. Now here is where the emotional response I'd consider normal for me, (anger at her ending the relationship after all my sweat and tears to help her through the hardest part of her life thus far without even giving it a shot long distance), completely pulls a 180. I'm not mad. It makes me smile every day when I think about how my efforts may have helped her achieve what she is currently achieving. (also thank you to Jason for being a quality tutor.) That maybe because of me, she was able to survive hours away from any family she had, and get through a condensed pre-med program, while dealing with her father passing away. I don't need any other return on my investment in her other then her doing well and being happy. Not that I didn't get anything in return. I've never been happier then I was with her. Its the first time I've really felt like a man. I'm really struggling with articulating all of this and for that I apologize, especially because the changes I experienced in myself were so great. Because of her I'm a man who can actually be emotional now, and not be embarrassed about it. Most importantly, because of her I know what kind of man I want to be, and the kind of life I want to have. Ok, enough with trying to categorize how she has affected my life, for I clearly am no poet. The reason I felt like writing in the first place is still at large. When am i going to let her go? Even though I'm not hoping for a future with her, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like. I've begun both dreading and looking forward to sleeping, because my dreams have been filled with her. Not even inappropriate or wacky dreams; just us sitting on the couch, or having a meal. i had to remove her from my myspace and facebook accounts just so I wouldn't torture myself by looking at pictures of the two of us together. Indulging the thoughts only breeds more of the same, and shoving them away in some emotional closet just makes me go about life in the manner I used to; and my friends can attest to it being somewhat less then pleasant on occasion. Burying her, means burying everything she gave me, and I don't want to do that. I just have no idea what to do. It cannot possibly be natural to be reduced to tears thinking about how someone you love is no longer around months after they've gone, its not as if she died. So here is why I chose to try this livejournal thing out, instead of just using a regular private journal. I'm guessing some of you may have had experiences like this...maybe? Losing people you may not have yet gotten over? I don't have a ton of friends on this yet, but as I gather them I'm hoping to see some of the interesting and diverse views that I'v come to expect by perusing all the comments my friends get on their entries. Lastly, to all of those that still sometimes get hit by blasts of my not so pleasant side, I am sorry. Jason suggested that perhaps I might try turning to my friends in the same manner that they turn to theirs; for support and an at the least an ear. So that is what I'm doing. Who knows, maybe if the experience of love in my heart that Lauren gave me becomes less singular, I might just be able to finally say my goodbyes. Current Mood:  sad | | Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003 | | 10:22 pm |
| | Monday, March 31st, 2003 | | 9:17 pm |
Spaghetti
Ah, thinking of Jamie brings back memories of Jamie. I remember fondly the time that I ate some spaghetti with her. I would look over at her face, and see her mouth grandly work its way open, and fill the illustrious space inside with a grandious fork-full of those tender juicy noodles. Her nostrils would wax and wain in glorious harmony and she chewed. Thinking back on it now, I don;t think I have ever seen her beauty on such an epic scale. Ah, the orchestral sounds of the chewing, I can;t even begin to comprehend the joy that these tones brought to me on that fateful day. | | 7:39 pm |
Triple sigh.........
Today, I watched this wonderful striat romantic comedy, abot a man and a woman in love. THey were comedic, and yet funny; in love, and yet romantic. I wish I could have shared that special moment with my gorgeous, breathtaking, heartstoppingly beautiful girlfreind. but I will get to see her tomorrow. YAY! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY! I can;t wait for that day, it will be a good day. a good day for yay! | | 7:35 pm |
...Double.....sigh....
I like money, especially when I have it. I wish I could spend it on neato things, like my beautiful wonderful spectacular out of this world girlfriend. One minute of her not being around me, is like being deprived of all of my senses, in the middle the disney world. It is a far to costly price to pay. Whenever she is not around, the rotation of the world seems to stop, and father time takes his time out to laugh at me. That is no fair! Stop laughing. Stop! Sigh....... Oh well... Her hair is pretty. | | 7:31 pm |
......sigh......
Today I didn;t get to see Jamie at all.......damn damn damn damn damn. I get so lonely when I'm not with my adorable, crazy unfuckingdefuckingbelievable girlfreind. She is so cute, I love that girl. SO I had some classes today, but no Jamie. Rats. SOmedays I just wish I could put her in a cage in my room, and tie a little bow around her and she would be so pretty to see. That would be wonderful. Sigh..... But alas, I will have to wait for tomorrow, to see my Jamie light up my life oncce again, just like she always does. Sigh..... | | Friday, March 21st, 2003 | | 3:59 pm |
Funny
So...the combat related death tolls of the coalition forces have been surpassed by the death tolls caused by "peaceful" protest. Isn't that interesting? Just something I found funny. And who else here thinks Saddam is toast? I mean the guys on tv didn't look like him. What dictator would go on TV in front of his country looking like he just finished a math team competition? Also..he was reading from a note card. Are you telling me that Saddam hasn;t made enough anti-american kill everyone speaches that he couldn't just let another one fly off the cuff? Pretty shady I'd say. | | Tuesday, January 21st, 2003 | | 4:15 am |
Cycle of Futility, take 2
So once again this college fiasco starts, and I find myself hating it already. I didn't even have to go to one class to know it either. Well, perhaps things will pick up. Or perhaps I'll find a reasonable way to become a hitman, and make fabulous amounts of cash. I'm without morals...it could happen. | | Monday, December 16th, 2002 | | 10:10 pm |
If stupid people can do it......
Ok, look around you. There are millions of idiots in this country, let alone this world. I know it, and you know it. I'm not talking the less educated here, I'm talking plain and simple IDIOTS. Herein lies the problem. Everyday many of these idiots go of to work, and bring home a respectable, steady paycheck. Of course, many idiots work at McDonalds and other such breeding pools for lack of coherant thought. However I am amazed by the degree to which some fools out there have met with success. Let's take the esteemed mayor of Philadelphia for a moment. Yes, I'm talking about the wonderous John Street. This guy is a fucking caveman. Watch some of his interviews. He's got this crazi-eyed wackiness that just screams moron. Have the things he says, I just do not understand, and the other half I do understand, but it's still nonsensical. John Street is a baboon John Street is Mayor of Philadelphia John street makes lots of money Baboons are capable of making lots of money There we have it, baboons can go out, get well paying jobs and even become public figures. My problem with all of this is not that the apes out there in the world can accomplish this, but that I cannot. All arrogance aside, I am at least mildly intelligent, and yet, find myself attending Montco after failing out of my first college. Not that Montco is a poor facility, it actually was a bit suprising as far as professors go; however it is not where I would have liked to be at this point in my life. For some bizarre, freak of nature reason, i cannot do well in school. I try, but I always wind up with my head up my ass. It's happened before, and it will happen again. So now I'm faced with a set of options. I can continue this horrible cycle of failure, or suscribe to a slightly less horrible cycle of failure, and attend one of those crazy trade schools they show in commercials on daytime TV. I would not enjoy this. I do not enjoy anything. That said, my heart goes out to all of my friends who are experiancing tough times with family or otherwise. I realize my problems are infantessimally(sp?) small compared to yours, and I hope you get through them alright. P.S. I've got Mono P.P.S. Maybe I should become a critic, i can be mean and funny. Hmmmm | | Sunday, December 8th, 2002 | | 11:38 pm |
Beginning
You know, I believe I shall begin to post updates once again. I've got nothing right now, but I think something wonderful is glowing on the horizon of my mind. Parts of me wish it to be a tumor, but alas as this is surely not the case, an update will surely be adorning all of your screens in the near future. Tis' the beginning of a whole new era my friends. | | 11:21 pm |
I liked this one
1. You are born? 2001 2. You enter a room? Shaft theme 3. You see a member of the opposite sex who provokes interest but reciprocates nothing at your mere glance? 4. You're in the car, driving? LaGrange 5. You Ace (in the positive sense...akin to tennis/volleyball) a difficult exam? Halleluiah 6. You're rocking the sport...whichever it is..so long as you're kicking ass? Man song from Orgazmo 7. You actually get a "Yes" when you ask someone out? I Feel Good (I concur with Jay) 8. You get in one of those John Woo fight scenes where the music is a completely different vibe from the ass you're kicking (akin to Face-Off)? Any of the songs used during the murder scenes in American Physcho, preferably Walking on Sunshine 9. You're running to catch the object of your affection as he/she is about to leave for good (montage shot)? ....(The scene is of course in slow motion) Gettysburg Theme 10. You're running from the gang of thugs you pissed off by accidentally scuffing the finish on their car? Flight of the Bumblebee 11. You're training for the big fight/athletic duel with your nemesis? Superman Theme 12. You share a wonderful evening as well as a well-deserved kiss with your significant other? Love me, Thrill me, Kiss me. (I believe that's what it's called), or Living on the edge | | Thursday, May 9th, 2002 | | 11:11 am |
| | Sunday, May 5th, 2002 | | 11:52 pm |
I have just had the biggest realization of my entire life, and it's pretty much just that. This is my life. It's real. I'm not going to get through by doing nothing. Life is a once in a lifetime opportunity. | | Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 | | 12:26 am |
what do you think, and how do I spell allowwed?
kander9080: whats up, cornbread? ChiefRunningFox: hey ChiefRunningFox: not much kander9080: well thats a shame kander9080: hey, did you ever wish that you were at the head of your own dictatorship government, and held total control over everyone, with ininite power and wealth? kander9080: infinite ChiefRunningFox: no kander9080: ....me neither ChiefRunningFox: it's lonely at the top kander9080: nah, everyone wants to be your friend kander9080: I bet HItler got invited to all the parties ChiefRunningFox: good call kander9080: I bet, if he hadn't been so racist, and wanted to kill all the jews, a lot of the world would be under his control right now kander9080: or under a subordinates control kander9080: its a shame that now that nuclear weapons exist, no one will ever be able to unite the world under one banner again kander9080: even it doing so would be a bit geneocidal kander9080: you know, if I ran a country, I'd get rid of anyone who had a major disease, like cancer, or heart disease, brain tumors, whatever, cause eventually, my people would be the best people, they'd have weeded out all the harmful genes kander9080: its not such a bad idea, if you can get around the killing of the inferior kander9080: I wonder what humans would have looked like, in another 1000 years if we all still lived under survival of the fittest, and the physically weak didn;t survive ChiefRunningFox: wow ChiefRunningFox: stop ChiefRunningFox: who are you to decide who's weak? kander9080: sorry, you are the only one up, and I can;t post this kind of stuff in livejournal ChiefRunningFox: you could ChiefRunningFox: you would jsut get bitched at by everyone kander9080: hmmm, perhaps so. it would make for an interesting entry kander9080: but anyway... kander9080: take a guy with heart disease, he reproduces, and passes the genes to his kids, as it is with every big disease kander9080: I believe that if we stopped those people carrying bad genes from reproducing, it would eventually benefit mankind kander9080: I think we waste a lot of energy and time trying to solve our own helath problems, when we could just sit back, and let genetics do it for us ChiefRunningFox: hmm ChiefRunningFox: no kander9080: finding ways to cure things like aids, and pnumonia, and all that stuff is perfectly fine, cause viruses can;t e weeded out kander9080: be* kander9080: but the genetic illness that we see all the time could be taken care of, by simply not alowwing people with defects to breed kander9080: allowwing kander9080: allowing kander9080: ? kander9080: alowing kander9080: either way, I'm going to post this thing, just cause | | Sunday, February 24th, 2002 | | 7:02 pm |
| | Saturday, February 23rd, 2002 | | 1:13 am |
| | Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 | | 2:18 pm |
Update
I haven't updated in a while, however due to numerous people begging me to make an entry, I have decided to oblidge them. In truth, someone suggested I update, and I am doing so, for I am not leader; I am a follower. It strikes me that i have nothing of value to commit to this update. Nothing I currently am thinking would hold any of your attention, nor would it warrent said attention anyway. Nevertheless, I will attempt to ramble, in hopes of perhaps stumbling upon a topic of interest for all parties involved. Firstly, I suppose I little background on my current situation is called for. A many of you know, I have indeed been removed from my college. I have lon thought over what played the distinguishing factor that lead ultimately to my demise, and I have currently realized that I have no idea. One thing remains certain however. It is true that I felt just as disaml about college, in the acedemic sense, as i did about Upper Merion. The classes I were taking offered nothing but empty words, and long winded, pointless lectures. My professors seems everything but that, and they could have all used a little course called, Holding a Person's Attenion 101. With classes being as they were, it became all to easy to elect sleep, over education. This snowballed into the missing of many, many classes, and ultimately my skipping of my finals. Too late I realized that college wasn't about education, at least for me, and at least not yet. Too late I appreciated my atmosphere, reguardless of whether I hated my classes or not. And too late I became aware that in college, in my college rather, there were no second chances. So, all of a sudden I found myself on the receiving end of a dismissing phone call. All this is in the past however. I have often told my best friend, and roomate from school, that it was ironic that in order to want to stay in college, I had to get kicked out. But that is that way of things, so I have accepted my lot. One thing at least has changed for the better though. Along with acceptance came new resolve. I now know, or am starting to know what I want to do, as far as my next few years go. I will need to find a job, for both spending money, and support through college, when I return. Be it next winter, or next spring, I am determined to see a stamp of approval on my application for admittance. It may not be the best school, and it may not be exactly what I desire, but I will strive to achieve none the less. FOr if there is one thing I've learned from my ordeal, its that somewhere, somehow, I have finally become instilled with the desire to succeed. The desire to see an "A" on a paper I wrote. The desire to have others come to me in need of acedemic help. The desire be on the honor role. Above all, the desire to be proud of myself. Anyone who knew me though Highschool can tell you that for the greater par tof it, I couldn't have cared less what grades I got, or even if I went to class. I knew I could skate by, no matter what, and that security bred a lack of motivation, and a lack of desire. Truly, the only thing I showed passion for, in any amount, was music, and theatre, and being a jerk. To me, these things, besides being a jerk, signified a genuine way to spend time, that would benefit myself, and had real meaning. Math, Science, English, although sometimes interesting, were never satisfying, even on the rare occasion I did well, and understood the material. I often looked around, and saw other people, many of whom were my close friends, striving for that "A", striving for a flawless report card, striving for a teacher's approval. I just couldn;t understand why. It all seemed so pointless. Even now, I question why I have begun to desire these things myself. All I know is that I do in fact desire them. ----------One more horrible side effect of being not in college is being at home. Parenthood once againraises its ugly head, and I am forced to flee before its fury. I shall continue my groundbreaking and controvercial update very soon. | | Monday, December 10th, 2001 | | 4:56 am |
Well, its self evaluation time again, and its seems that pretty much all of my life has been a fuck up. For anyone who has had me be a part of their life, I apologize. I would like to thank everyone who brought a little sunshine into my life, and those who brought the thunder. It's all appreciated. To everyone who has, or ever had a reason to dislike me, I'm sorry. To everyone who has, or had a reason to like me, I'm also sorry, cause its most likely a false reason. i don;t see how anyone can know me when I don;t know myself. Anyway, later | | Thursday, December 6th, 2001 | | 2:40 am |
A question
Do you people think its better in life to have a bunch, or even just one really close friends, love your family, and so on. Or is it better to have no friends and have no family attachments? I know, it sounds like a pretty stupid question right? But think about this. Lets take all of you who like me in one way or another, imagine you get news that I die in a car crash tomorrow. Now, you'd probably be sad at least a little(or so I would hope). Is that sadness worth it, to have had me as a friend inthe first place? Being that I'm really not that valuable, think about your best friend. Think about them dying, cause it'll happen eventually, you know it will. How was it worth having them, if you have to deal with their death, which would probably put you through hell. Same with parents, we've all seen what happens to people who really love their parents and they die. I just can;t believe that feeling those things does anyone any good, and it doesn;t seem to me, that the balance of happiness to sadness is a littel bit one sided as well. Anyway, answer if you wish, but I'm thinking you know where I stand. | | 1:14 am |
Soundtrack of life
I was thinking this today. Its something It's thought about before, but I figured since I'm bored, I'll write about it now. I think, it would be monumentously cool if life had a soundtrack. Think about how much more dramatic life would be. If you were running, or working out, you'd of course have some crazy 80's power cords playing, in the form of a Rocky song. If you about to win something, you'd have maybe chariots of fire. If you were in a dangerous situation, violins and typmanies maybe. if you were fighting a war or something, you'd have some awesome music like gettysburg, or gladiator, or backdraft. SOmething particularly funny, would end with, duh dudu du du duh. whap. Thats all folks. (You probably don;t know what that sounds like, but I do, so it doesn;t matter.) Anyway, I've found that even though life can;t have continuos music playing all the time, every now and then, sing a soundtrack to yourself, it'll improve your mood. Like, today when I was practicing taeKwonDo, I was going through mortal combat in my head. Of course, I got a little excited and kicked a wall, causing me much pain, but hey, thats what life is all about. Mortal Combat. so.....What's YOUR soundtrack?? |
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